Part I: When Everyone’s Character is Revealed

Intro

Some people truly believe that people don’t change. Yet, what we think and perceive drives how we live and creates our life’s experiences. Our experiences are based on who we associate with, where we live, the culture in which we live, what we read, what we watch, and our interests. It is based on the actions we put out in the world and the uncontrollable actions and events that come our way. And life experiences for some can tend to be diverse, constantly changing, and vary greatly in nature. Sure, for others, not so much - some people marry young, have the same spouse, children and family around them their whole lives with long term jobs spanning decades, all lived in the same city and possibly even the same house. In this case, broader life experiences may be narrower - leading to fewer changes in lived experiences, perceptions, and ultimately character or behavior. But some would say that raising kids brings an enormous amount of life experiences in and of itself, in a different way. All different perspectives, experiences, opinions.

I’ve listened to people in Alcoholics Anonymous, or who have lived former hedonistic or colorful and eventful lives - prior to marrying, having kids, finding God, or making major life changes - tell stories of what they had done during their years of being their former selves - adultery, stealing, substance use, neglect, irresponsibility, shenanigans, etc. And I’ve heard them explain who they grew to become and were in that present moment. Night and day stories usually encompassing one person, one life.

I heard Andy Fastow give a speech in person - on what financial, ethical, or business topic exactly, I don’t remember - but seemingly and presumably on a related subject to all three. Andy Fastow, I would guess, is not engaging in fraudulent activity or committing fraud now given his position in public speaking and other endeavors. Does this mean he changed as a person?

Martha Stewart went to jail for insider trading, but is again thriving in her work, and as having never been caught again for insider trading, has presumably moved on from engaging in the activity for which she was found guilty.

Background

I was a party girl in my 20s. I underwent about a decade of partying from around age 18-28 - there was normal stuff in there, got a BBA degree, a lot of subsequent accounting college credits, and had steady jobs. I got too tired and too stressed to keep partying and living hedonistically. And found that work, education, and exercise could keep my life full and satisfied despite some loneliness.

After working to change my life at around 28, and doing so little by little, someone decided to do a full-blown background investigation on me at age 46. Druding up and attempting to drudge up every mistake I made, or flaw about me, and every presumed, assumed, or misperceived aspect about me. Everything from exploring a boob job in my early 20s, to how I navigated my most recent long-term relationship. It was essentially drudging up absolutely everything about me including psychological analysis of my mental health.

As whatever this investigation was attempting to do, the results of it were shared with everyone I knew - every friend, every family member - even the comprehensive psychological analysis based on watching me in my own home. Not only was it shared with my friends and family members, but it was also known by people trolling me and by the public. This I am sure of; I just don’t know how or why. I had friends and the public repeating private phone conversations back to me. It doesn’t matter whether someone is mentally healthy or not - that’s not okay for any reason or speculative reason whatsoever.

Not only was my private life shared with all of these people - pretty much fucking anyone - but at least half of what was dug up was a lie or wrong. And roughly 75% of my life was completely discounted from the investigation - the relatively healthy part. And the parts of my life that are true that were left out - have been labeled a lie.

At the end of the day, the background investigation revealed everyone’s character involved, not just my old one from the party years, but those of my family and friends too - so pretty much most everyone I knew. Sadly, certain things in life are so grossly irrelevant and are allowed to be private to someone, like a consult for a boob job over 20 years ago - especially one that was, after all, not pursued for not wanting it enough. I haven’t carried insecurities about my body since my early 30s. Really, who gives a fuck; at some point one truly does move on. But I am deemed to care, since that’s what my background investigation unearthed - a random old fact, not a true, comprehensive story. Those trolling me had fun with this one.

My background investigation also revealed a consistent pattern of human nature of others for self-preservation and survival instead of doing the right, honest thing. It also failed to capture the truth, as an investigation is largely based on the perception and stories of others - which I experienced as having been told in preservation of the other person’s character to the detriment of my own.

I had a boss make up wild stories that I was in love with him and tried to interfere in his relationship. The truth - I changed flight plans one night around 10pm, hopped a plane with travel starting at 4am the next day after a couple’s dinner with him and his girlfriend on an out-of-town work trip got awkward. I ran like hell away from anything to do with someone else’s relationship and any awkwardness I couldn’t yet unpack or explain. How fucking stressful.

This investigation also ruined my family where old behavior and patterns had long ago been forgiven and forgotten. And it ruined decades long relationships where my past behavior was so far from relevant to the unrelated relationships today, it was like a former life in an ages old century was applied to today’s circumstances.

Some, or all, I would argue I ruined these things. However, I think wanting nothing to do with the people that played games with my mind, tested my character, and ultimately belittled, disrespected and didn’t believe who I am is natural. I was being treated as if the real me doesn’t even fucking exist. I had no choice but to call out the truth as I see it - just as publicly as my privacy was shared with all friends and family.

What an investigation captures is - for example - one line or paragraph of a story, where pages upon pages of details and context were left out. It captures one side of a story - because when more than one person is involved, it fails to capture all perceptions and perspectives. Stories are easy to make up and tell. The truth takes effort to find and learn.

I was accused of being of poor character for confiding feelings of stress and emotional hurt that stemmed from a prior relationship, with a current boyfriend. The only person I confided in about my feelings. In the investigation I was labeled a poor character for sharing my feelings confidentially with one person. That’s what a background investigation does.

Because it was a comprehensive background investigation, it is taken at face value as truth. I know my truths and no one asked. Instead, the “truth” people think just isn’t so.

The background investigation was done in parallel to being watched in the privacy of my own home. I don’t know who was watching me in my home. I could have been my family. I had been recently bullied, stalked, and harassed at work and in public. I know whoever was trolling me was also surveilling my phone and possibly me in my home. My online activity was watched and trolled, and my phone tapped by those trolling me and/or the investigation.

The worst part is that I saw it unfold right in front of me. The emotions of having been previously bullied and trolled out of a job and in public took its toll. Then as the surveilling of me unfolded and my privacy leaked out to strangers, friends, and family, the horror and devastation that I felt is indescribable. My private, emotional reaction at home was watched and deemed bipolar. My reaction at home was traumatic. It was my business, affecting no one but me. Yet it was shared with the public, including made up stories of me being a gunman, and shared with my friends, with my family.

How could someone possibly think they know who I truly am in an environment that is so mentally abusive and sick as the last 2 years. How? It’s a question I’ll never understand. But others seem to combine the decade of my party years 20-30 years ago, with the 1-2 years I was bullied, harassed, trolled, sabotaged, and watched in my own home, as being the “real” me. 75% of my life has been omitted in building a partially fake story of who I truly am.

I am supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be grateful. Not a single person treats me as who I really am. Not a single thing positive about me was shared. And I know, because the results of invading my privacy and the background investigation were told back to me in online 12-step program meetings - where mockery, judgement, and criticism in these meetings carried forward the torch and hurt of being bullied, hated, trolled, harassed and sabotaged at work and in public, which relit the torch of growing up in a family that either ignored or yelled at me. And mocking who I am said and believed to be, still goes on to this day.

There are certain things I am grateful for, yes. There are certain things I used to verbalize out loud in gratitude daily - my cat until she died, my Dad until he died, my boyfriend until we broke up, my last decent job until it was lost, and my health until now that I wish for nothing more than to die in my sleep or be hit with a deadly cancer diagnosis.

But what fucking assholes for judging my gratitude. Be grateful for your own fucking life and for the last time get the fuck out of mine.

The Character Reveal

I. When the above ensues, you learn what people said about you and who they really are. You also see exactly how they change in treating and talking to you. It’s more painful and sad than I ever thought imaginable. As the person I am, is the person I’ve always been when they treated me with love, honesty, respect, and support. Now, the demeanor is treatment with disrespect, belittlement, psychological tests, and fake conversations that only serve an ulterior motive completely void of sharing a real relationship.

How do I know a friend is no longer a friend? When I move out of town and the friend never came for a visit; blamed it on depression but went to see their other friends. Later never coming to visit was blamed on me. 100% me. When the friend no longer offers to put me on their sofa when I pass through town. When a friend believes I am someone who would use heroin, hurt others, and lie.

The closest person in my life I never wanted to lose, thinks I’m a liar and treated me as such.

This friend who labeled me an addict yet stayed up every weekend night with drinks and TV while I went to bed early for yoga the next morning, every weekend. The friend that blamed me entirely for the downfall of our romantic relationship, but failed to see blowing me off for video games, failed to see never letting me talk about me, failed to see blowing off concrete plans with me for better ones with other friends, and failed to see beyond his own nose that he was emotionally unavailable to me and never willing to admit to himself or me I was only around because it was convenient and no one else was. So, all the relationship failures are 100% me because I ended the relationship a few times, got angry a few times. I am fully to blame.

He’s right. I am to blame. I am to blame for not walking away 6 months after meeting this man and seeing all of the above then but denying it each and every time I gave our romantic relationship another chance. I am to blame for investing in a friendship with a false foundation where I was ultimately believed to be a liar, a heroin user (I’d rather die than use), and someone who would cause harm to other people. Yet, God’s honest truth nothing about me changed from 10 years ago to now.

I am to blame. But at least I’m not so blind and dishonest to not own my character flaws. I am flawed for denying my worth and staying in a relationship and friendship where I was not fully supported, cared for, or even seen.

My friend used veiled compassion and care after playing mind games to test and poke and prod my psychological state and mental health, to continue to insult me by testing my character.

Others think for some reason I am insecure or jealous. I’ve never been prouder of my character and who I am. I have experienced people who hate, lie, belittle, believe anything they are told and act on it, steal, cause car accidents, invade privacy, tap my phone, sabotage my work, and troll my previous 12-step program. I am, relatively speaking, truly a fucking saint.

I am even proud I naively and stupidly cared so much about someone and tried so hard to overlook his flaws that I couldn’t even see the disregard for me as a person staring me in the face for a decade. Is this what a private investigation reveals? No, it certainly does not. It revealed I broke up with him a few times, so the downfall of our relationship is 100% my fault.

I am to blame for staying in a relationship that was never meant to be. I wasted someone else’s time. I am to blame for not treating trauma early in life, for not understanding what it did to my personality, and for not understanding I was incapable of having healthy relations until that was treated. But at least I own my shit which is more than I can say for my friend. The background investigation revealed his character in everyday life. He’s willing to go along with the crowd, even if it means shitting all over someone in denial of his own character. I could have been a better girlfriend, a healthier one. But at least I admit it.

I have a lot more self-learned knowledge on how to better build and manage healthy relations; our decade old friendship could have taken a turn into something healthy and beautiful lasting a lifetime as friends or acquaintances for companionship in a world that all too often turns lonely for some. So, what did the background investigation reveal? How detrimental it can be to relationships that may be struggling but were otherwise healthy enough to possibly have lasted a lifetime.