Ms. Twat.

I once had the pleasure of working with a certifiable moronic twat. She worked in a reception-like area right outside the office I shared with someone else. I had to pass by her to go to the bathroom, out to lunch, to any meeting, and to go or come for the day. Fun.

It was during a job I got right after my Dad died. I went back to work still depressed, meandering through the newly found weight of thoughts of my own mortality and mid-life. So, I wasn’t truly ready to go back but made sure to stuff down the grumpy depression before heading into work every day. Then I had the absolute joy of passing Ms. Twat every one of those days on the way in too.

One day, just reveling in the thrill of being the only person in the office with Ms. Twat, I noticed an echo outside my office. No. Could it be? Am I really back on the playground with the annoying kid? Is she really repeating every noise I make – which at the time was clearing my throat? Apparently, I had something in it and then decided to test the situation with several more to see if it was just me or really happening. Oh, the fire burning deep within to reach through the walls and give her something to choke on was palatable – as it was indeed truly mocking.

Trying to be the middle aged, direct adult I am (which I’m learning is overrated), I got up to ask her if I could get her some water. Okay, let me rephrase that. I got up to ask her if I could get her some water with seemingly invisible daggers shooting out of my eyes directly at her head in a wish to start a war. So, it was probably more like an offer of water with a little bit of an “I want to obliterate you with daggers” undertone. Or 10 tons of undertone.

I left that job. My clothes, my writing, my speech, and everything I did were criticized.

Fast track to the ever so sweet private or criminal investigation that annihilated my life, which is about 2.5 years later, and the throat clearing has followed me. It even followed me into my family, through my aunt, and into my own home. Seriously. So serious I would bet my dog’s life. And the love I have for my dog is indescribable, all consuming, and universe shattering love (mm, kind of looks like I still tried to describe the love after writing it was indescribable huh – I’m a rookie and this is a first draft remember).

What I can gather is at some point, after many people in my life were interviewed about me, including former employers and coworkers, it was said that I’m scary, fidgety, angry, or gawd knows what else given my “I want to obliterate you with daggers” undertone to offering Ms. Twat a glass of water. Not too far off from a good, correct conclusion of my – apparently not very well concealed – disdain for intentionally stupid people. However, to bridge the gap from my disdain to being a gunman is still one I’m failing to connect (though I do know where the gunman theory comes from and that’s a whole other writing in and of itself – too much work to turn that despair to wit this early on). My guess – is that the theory goes I’m “triggered” by throat clearing (more in this in a short bit).

Anyhow, so since my family is involved in the investigation, and at this point deep into poking and prodding everything I say and do, including watching and videoing me, I have an aunt who decided to invite herself along on one of my road trips across the country from my mother’s home to my home. And guess what came with us. Indeed. The throat clearing. (Long story on how I’m so sure it was “the” throat clearing but just trust me.)

So, partly into a 33-hour road trip (yes, 33 painful fucking hours) the throat clearing emerges. Now – let me be clear – it’s not the throat clearing that drudges up the disdain, it’s knowing how many truly moronic twats there are in the world. If there was a treatment center for having an insanely low tolerance for moronic twats and other-related-types-of-stupid-people categories, I would be the poster child and committed in an instant. So again, not the throat clearing that’s a trigger. It’s knowing when an idiot is doing it to go on a power trip and for a good laugh that sends my eyes rolling to the point of risking injury. I’ll spare you the story of my aunt, the road trip, and endless throat clearing. Though when someone that close to me does something that intentionally stupid, it does “trigger” the end of the relationship. Another intentionally stupid person and lack luster relationship bites the dust. Oh, and there have been many over the course of this loving investigation.

Over time I’ve learned to have fun with it. After all, strangers who do intentionally stupid things don’t bother me nearly as much as when people I love or that are close to me do intentionally stupid things. Now, I just join the mocking. Though, in all honesty, I’ve never intentionally mocked someone; it’s just plain and simple not me.

The throat clearing followed me more places than just my aunt. It’s been a hideously insane investigation full of harassment everywhere I turn. Seemingly to get me to freak out or something. I’m a pretty peaceful person, grumpy, but peaceful. And I do usually use my grown-up words to communicate. … not that they always land well, but again that’s for another writing.

To be clear, the moronic throat clearing wasn’t the only reason I’ll never see my aunt again, there was other atrocious behavior that’s just unforgettable. I’ll forgive, but life’s too short to risk exposure to that kind of suffering again.